Monday, 22 April 2013

Review by Geo: "Virtual Hydlide" (Saturn, 1995)

Cumbersome Rotters.

Killer trees, deadly dragons and bloodthirsty zombies are rife in this magical slash and hack adventure. To the haunting strains of the atmospheric soundtrack, explore the super-realistic 3D fantasy world, warping to different dimensions, collecting powerful weapons and mysterious objects and tackling weird and wonderful foes. The amazing landscape generator creates a completely new adventure every time you play, providing a whole new dimension in rpg gaming.

 "Quick, there's Noel, STAB HIM...oh, it's a tree..."

Thats what it promised me when I was standing in the PDSA with a fresh two pound coin, with 'Virtual Hydlide' and 'Radiant Silvergun'. So I chose Vitual Hydlide naturally because of the zombies and the deadly dragons.
You play yourself on this almighty quest to do something which is probably good like rescue the princess, beat Dr Robotnik, destroy Hal, save the universe, discover the cure for aids, turn this fucking shit off etc etc etc . (It's actually rescue the princess by the way).

 The general idea of this game is good, but the result is about as fun as eating a cut off bit of cancer with broken glass and Jason Crouch for a starter. Thankfully it's not as bad as looking at Noel James' shitty little monkey face. ( You stole my scooter monkeylad).

 What the fuck?!?

Graphics are rubbish as (insert swear). Do you remember when we first had PC's back in the 'Nam, there was a screen saver which put you through this amazing 3-D maze...well its nothing like that. It's more like its aborted 3d sister '3-D fucking shit maze-etta'. Its lifelike main character looks like an Ewok with growth problems who has robotic legs and long arms. Textures have had no love put into them and the sound has been constructed of noises soley made from crisp packets.

 "Geo panics as he realises he's stepped into Hydlide's gay tavern - The Pink Knight."

Gameplay is as good as a shitting dog.

The only redeeming feature this has is that it generates a new world for you to play in every time you start a new game. Wow.
And what the fuck are those green blob things!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont bother offending your eyes, leave locked in a box with 'Clayfighter 63 1/3'.



  1. "Textures have had no love put into them and the sound has been constructed of noises soley made from crisp packets."

    One of my favourite lines from this review!

  2. Sorry, take that back, almost forgot this golden classic...

    "Gameplay is as good as a shitting dog."