Saturday, 22 February 2014


Article by plume:  The worst wife I have ever had.

After unfortunately waking up this morning, I decided that what better way to start my day than smearing mud over my body, lying naked in the woods, and keeping a running tally of how many unwitting woodland creatures I could capture and devour over a 15 hour period. I then decided that this activity could wait until next week, and that my time would probably be better spent playing Commodore 64 games instead.

One article on this blog deals with the electronic sorcery of the 'Random' button in Gamebase, and how its inconspicuous yet alluring curves set within that beguiling question mark have (probably never) led many a mans curiosity to better him. Women just press it because they are clever.

The 'Random' button. Also, 'Sexy Robot'. Chosen completely at random by pressing the random button.

For this article, I will again be demonstrating the use of the 'Random button' (I often do this by simply clicking it, others may achieve better results with alternative methods. Telepathy or verbal abuse for example.) JOIN ME!

1. Maggie AIP (Woman simulator(?), 1983, Ramiak)

Why Gamebase! It seems you do listen after all! The countless hours spent weeping uncontrollably at the screen due to the vapid and intolerable loneliness surrounding me have paid off! You have found me a wife!

I rapidly shuffled up the stairs and burst quietly into my room to find my favourite dating pants. After finding and discarding my 'Carbon Dating' pants, I finally located my 'Woman Dating' pants and rushed back to Maggie with renewed confidence.

Once loaded, Maggie required 30 seconds to 'Gather her thoughts'. "She's obviously nervous" I thought to myself. "Who wouldn't be with this fine example of a man hunched on a stool in front of them?" I thought about this for a second, straightened myself up, wiped the unidentifiable food from my jumper, and began to converse with her.

Interesting fact: Maggie has been utilised in 57 English speaking countries as a callcentre sales script for radiator companies.

As you can see from the above screenshot, Maggie was anything but nervous. In fact, it seemed she was quite the tease. I decided to furrow a more cultured path through this conversation, and so pretended to know and care about something of which I did neither. You know, like in real life! As the screenshot below shows, the results were dismal. You know, like in real life!

Lucky escape indeed, although take note that at one point, Maggie 'Extra Ignored' me. This only served to make me extra confused.

It seemed my attempts to sway Maggie with fierce intellect had failed, and I could sense her interest waning. I had to act fast, and think of subjects which (probably) held a common interest with both of us. This quickly turned out to be an unmitigated disaster as detailed in the screenshot below:

Interesting fact: MAGGIE HATES ME.

I quickly devised a cunning plan. I would pretend to need a toilet break, lock the door and squeeze myself through the window, thus ensuring a speedy escape while negating any awkward "So...bye then...I'll definitely keep in touch..." situations. I then remembered that this was my own house and I was sat in front of a computer.

I tenderly caressed the screen and switched it off. I'll always remember you Maggie.

The verdict:

Obviously its hilarious to type in ridiculous things, that goes without saying, but it gets stupendously boring very quickly. Ultimately, Maggie has an extremely basic parser and a hopelessly limited selection of responses to even the most simple input. Maggie didn't even respond to the tirade of insane profanities I subjected her to. That's not like real life women at all.

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